Thursday, June 17, 2010

"The baby" wasnt never meant to be ours

This is something that will surprise you.. I didn’t tell most of you. Not because of I don’t want to.. tapi mendanya dah tak ada.. nk cakap pun buat meruntun hati sendiri aje so buat apa kan..

I had miscarriage. Yes, I miscarriage and I was only 8weeks into the pregnancy. Only after 10days I found out that I was pregnant. Initially, I didn’t know that I was pregnant. I thot my menses will come out late coz my cycle haywire since I stopped contraception pills few mths back. We did take precaution n all after I’m off the pills.. But I guess probably the calculation was off due to misbehavior of the cycles.

I went to see our panel doc on one fine afternoon. I told the doctor that I didn’t get my menses and I felt bloated. The doc prescribed me with pills to force the period to come. As I was walking back to office, I feel the urge to do a pregnancy test before I take the pill.

So I hopped into Guardian and get me a pregnancy test. I did the test in the toilet in my office. The result showed positive (but one of line appears slightly pinkish than the other line). I told my husband. To my surprised, he’s too excited. The next day, I went to a clinic nearby my house and the doc performed ultrasound. The doc informed me that I was supposed to be at my 6 and ½ weeks of pregnancy based on my last cycle. But the scan showed only an empty gestational sac. Nothing inside. No heartbeat and the size is so small. The doc asked me to wait for another 4weeks to do 2nd round of scan. The doc said looks like I was actually on my 4th weeks pregnant.

Being a mother of 2, my maternal instinct told me something is wrong somewhere. But I didn’t tell my husband coz I don’t want to make him worry coz he was too excited with the pregnancy. I knew something wasn’t right coz I constantly had some kind of discharge (milky and a bit yellowish). And for the 1st time, I didn’t feel any morning sickness symptom or any symptom that can associate with pregnancy. Normally when I pregnant, the one very sure symptom that never fails to come to me is that I’ll have sore breast. But this round, nothing. I don’t feel anything.

Few days before the miscarriage, I noticed that the discharge changed from yellowish to brownish. Then next day, I had 2 incident of tiny red spotting on my pantyliner. On last Saturday evening, we went to Tesco to stock up. After solat Maghrib, I went to toilet and I saw fresh red blood dropping into the toilet bowl. I quickly told my husband. At that point of time, I still think that I’ll be OK. Too bad, until the next day, the bleeding gets heavier (but looks like normal menstrual to me).

Then off we went to see my gynae at Putra Medical Center, Bukit Rahman Putra (BTW he's my fav gynae. i knew him dari pregnantkan si Safiya. Very2 good doctor I must say. tp dia punya patients.. kena beratur ler.. ramai giloss. BTW he owned the hospital ok..). He did the ultrasound and the only thing that we can see was one big gestational sac. But empty one. The doctor smiled and said “Dah takde. Kosong. Kena cuci ye. Kena buat harini jugak”… my feeling that time? Speechless.. tapi sempat jugak tanya nurse.. pengsan ke tak pengsan? sbb takut ni.. nurse cakap "jgn risau.. nnt doktor kasik tido xsedar apa2 punya" hehe..

Ini sebenarnya unexpected pregnancy. But as a mother, you know that this is part of you. Tipulah kalau aku cakap xsedih. Expected ke tak expected ke tp kalau dah namanya anak sendiri, dh tentu rasa sedih.. Masa nurse suruh isi borang kebenaran buat D&C tu, nangis2 aku.. tp aku redha ajelah. As what my gynae said, “semuanya ada hikmahnya. Ada sebab kenapa tak ada. Lebih baik tak ada sekarang dr kemudian hari”..

As I was lying on the bed and the nurse pushed me to the operation theatre, I looked at my husband. He walked slowly to the door and smiled. That was the only thing that I need from him at that point of time. I don’t need a hug, I don’t need sweet nothings to be whispered to my ears. All I need is a smile from him to show me that I’ll be ok, we’ll be ok.. We’ll get through this together.. senyuman tulah yang mcm jadi azimat yg teman aku menghadapi saat2 yang aku sendiri tak pernah jangka akan kena.. to my husband, tak terucap dgn kata2.. terima kasih yg tak terhingga.. u're the best ler sayang huhu

The procedure took around 20mins kot. Aku xsedar pun. Doktor masuk, suruh aku pejam mata n mengucap. Masa tu doctor pun mengucap sekali. Then I can feel something flowing into my veins.. slowly… doktor suruh bukak mata.. n tiba2 muka rasa panas. Aku masih terus mengucap masa tu (masa tu terpikir jugak, dah nak mati ke aku ni hehe).. pastu nurse terus kasik oxygen. Pastu sedar2, nurse n husband tgh panggil nama aku. Bukak2 mata aku dh dlm wad, asben ada kt sebelah.. tp aku nmpk mata dia ada 4 hehehe. Aku masih lalok. Few minutes later, nurse masuk hantar nasik. Asben bancuh milo.. doktor masuk dgn nurse n doctor ckp kalu rasa pening, xblh kencing, jgn balik dulu, stay smpi esok.. tp kalau blh bangun kencing n xpening lg, blh la balik bila aku rasa dh ready nak balik.. doktor kuar aje, aku trus belasah makan. Maklumler dh dkt kul 4ptg masih blm lunch. Doctor xbg aku makan or minum sebelum buat D&C.

Alhamdulillah, ptg tu jugak dh blh balik. N aku bersyukur jugak ler kondisi aku xseteruk org lain yg kena D&C. ada kwn aku yg kena D&C at 5weeks sakit perut sesangat sampai susah nk berjalan n all. Aku OK laa.. cuma ada pening2 sikit n kalu duduk lama2 terasa la pedih. Lg satu perut mmg gassy ler.. 1st 3 days tu agak sakit sikit ler tp pastu OK ler..

The reason I miscarriage is because of “Blighted Ovum” or what is called early pregnancy miscarriage.. and it was due to my low hormone level. The contraception pills has caused so much problem to me. so now I wont be taking any pills at all. I want to make sure my cycles will be back to normal naturally. And hopefully, by February I’ll be ready to conceive again. I want 3 children. I wish to have another one next year. aku pun bukan muda lg.. nk tunggu bila lagi kan.. kuota aku mmg 3 pun..

This whole thing actually caused me physically and emotionally drained. I even dreamed of carrying small baby in my arms in my sleep. Yeah it affected me badly. But now I’m ok. Kun Fa Ya Kun. Only god knows what’s best for us. Allah will give us something not at the time that we want. But when Allah thinks it’s the best time for us to have it. It’s fated that I lost the baby even before I can feel her (or even hear her heartbeat.. sob sob). I miss the feeling kissing a small babies. I love the sweet smell of small babies (who doesn’t by the way??). Both my son and daughter (who’ll be 6 and 4 next year) now bau masam.. dah xbest hahahahaha…

To all my preggy frens, I will pray for smooth journey for all of you throughout the pregnancies. Take care and enjoy every minute of being pregnant. Mudah2an dipermudahkan Allah..

Here’s some explanations on blighted ovum if you wished to know more..

A blighted ovum, also called an "anembryonic pregnancy", is a fertilized egg which implants in the uterus, and begins to devlop a gestational sac. The fertilized egg, however, fails to form beyond the sixth week and is absorbed back into the uterus.

The placenta continues to grow, and the body is usually slow to catch on that the pregnancy is gone. There may be no bleeding to signal a problem; later, the woman may notice a brown discharge. Sometimes a woman will have a loss without ever knowing she was pregnant. Others will discover the pregnancy and all will appear well throughout much if not all of the first trimester. She may not realize she has a blighted ovum until her healthcare provider fails to detect a heartbeat or an ultrasound reveals an empty gestational sac. Since the placental tissue generates the making of pregnancy hormones, many women with a blighted ovum "feel pregnant" but are destined to lose the pregnancy.

In past decades, many women miscarried blighted ovum pregnancies without knowing what had happened. Today, however, technology has improved to the point that an ultrasound can examine exactly what is going on inside the womb. Due to this technology, the diagnosis of a Blighted Ovum is becoming more common. In the case of a blighted ovum the results would exclude the yolk and fetal pole that would normally be found.

In most liklihood the reason for a blighted ovum is random chromosomal accident (further research suggests a 4 in 5 chance that the cause is chromosomal in this situation). In some cases, the egg or the sperm may be of poor quality. The age of the parents may contribute to this factor although this diagnosis happens to all ages. Occasionally the cause may be something other than chromosomal, such as low hormone levels. This is rare but in these cases a treatable condition might be the cause. For example, a low hormone level may have caused early termination of the pregnancy. In these cases, hormone pills such as progesterone may work. If repeated blighted ovums occur, artificial fertilization may be an answer. Genetic testing in the case of multiple losses may be advised to rule out genetic problems.

The most common (and hurtful) misconception is that there never was a baby. There was an embryo. There is no way to know how much of the baby formed and when the baby was absorbed. Someone actually suggested to me that my body was confused and that my little one only existed in my mind. The body has reacted to the existance of a fertilized egg, the mother was absolutely pregnant--however brief--there was a pregnancy.

When should the baby be able to be seen by ultrasound, or when should the lack of seeing a baby via transvaginal ultrasound be evidence of a blighted ovum? By the 8th to the 9th week, assuming the pregnancy is dated correctly, the baby/heartbeat should be able to be detected via ultrasound. The gestational sac can be visualized as early as four and a half weeks of gestation and the yolk sac at about five weeks. The embryo can be observed and measured as early as five and a half weeks, via transvaginal ultrasound with a full bladder. Ultrasound can also very importantly confirm the site of the pregnancy is within the cavity of the uterus.

Hormone levels may be monitored in order to check on the pregnancy. Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG), is produced during pregnancy, made by cells that form the placenta. They can first be detected by a normal blood test about 11 days after conception and at about 12 - 14 days by a urine test. In general they will double every 72 hours. The levels will reach their peak in the 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy (the third month) and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy. A decline early on might aid in confirming a pregancy loss, such as a blighted ovum.

There are many conflicting discussions about the choice of waiting to miscarry, allowing a natural miscarriage, and having a D and C done. I have two RNs in my family, and both disagree as to which is the best way to go. I was told by my Doctor that in 3% of all D and C operations the uterus lining is perforated by the scalpel and the uterus may then grow together--leaving no cavity in which the baby can grow. So, it is important to take into account that there are risks. The bowels also sit directly above the uterus. It is important to remember, however, that the odds of this happening are very low.

One's mind naturally moves to a point where a woman wonders, "will this happen again?" It has also been reported that a blighted ovum does not increase the risk of future miscarriage. The standard statistics vary, but my research indicated a 80-85% chance that the next pregancy should carry to term. This seems to conflict with the varying stats for miscarriage, which is from 25 to 50% of all pregnant women miscarry. One must take into account, however, that many of those who miscarry do not even know they were pregnant--as a miscarriage takes place around the time the individual would usually menstruate. The 80-85% statistical number would then work when used on diagnoses pregnancies--pregnancies lasting long enough to test positive for the pregnancy hormones. Blighted ovums are the cause of about 50% of all miscarriages, so it's an unfortunately common occurance.

A person's life is, unfortunately, forever changed by the loss of a baby. No one should have to experience the kind of pain that goes with such a loss. One moment there is a world of opportunities, with plans and hopes and dreams. Suddenly, they are all gone. It feels so unfair